Stefan Division Preview

St Louis Blues:

The search is on!  Missing: GM of the St. Louis Blues.  Last seen: Accepting a trade to bring Nicklas Backstrom to the team.  Seriously, this guy is more invisible than air itself.  And to boot, his team is a trainwreck on the path to nowheres-town.

Offence: On life-support, the only way this team has a chance of competing is if Brad Richards has a 175 point season and Chris Kunitz scores 50 goals every 20 games.  Obviously that’s not happening.  Todd Bertuzzi is the only other NHL regular on the forward lineup that can/has done anything.  When Daniel Bang, Gilbert Brule and Kevin Henderson is your 2nd line, you’re in trouble.

Defence:  Salary cap paperweight Anton Volchenkov leads a below average group of defencemen who consider anywhere beyond their own blue line a strange, undiscovered world.  J-M Liles is a nice depth guy, but he’s riding shotgun on the top pairing.  They’ll do the job...most of the time...I think.

Goaltending:  The strength of the team (Thanks to yours truly), as Backstrom is an elite goalie and will steal games for this team.  Theodore as a backup creates a tandem that is one of the better in the league.

Overall:  St. Louis will be singing the Blues once again this year (C’mon!  Who didn’t see that joke coming!).  With little to no youth coming up, and a lack of draft picks, its going to be a long time before they become previlant again in this league.

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Stuck in their dust.

How they will finish in the division: 7th out of 7

Colorado Avalanche:

The smoke is starting to clear in Denver as Patrick Sharp, Jimmy Howard and Jay Bouwmeester are looking around, wondering what the hell happened to the NHL talent on this team.  GM Nightengale has a plan, and it involves kids.  No, he’s not wearing a shiny silver glove and inviting them over to the Neverland Ranch, he’s gathering prospects to grow a base.  Kinda like sunflowers...with less seeds.

Offense:  Patrick Sharp leads the way...by miles and miles.  I mean, you gotta feel sorry for him for being where he is.  He’d look sexy on a team like Toronto though, just saying.  Anyways, if Devin Setoguchi would ever get his crap together and score, that would be a blessing.  The powerplay could be a shining light for this team with Ryan Smyth mooning goalies in front of the net and enough talent to be potent.

Defence: Strong.  Hard Hitting.  Aggressive.  Not the words you would use to describe the Colorado blueline.  An average unit (Thats what she said) led by Bouwmeester.  Has some snarl on it with Matt Greene, and who doesn’t like a guy named Bruno?  

Goaltending:  James “Call me Jimmy” Howard will be the strength of the team, as his play will be the reason they win the close 1-0 and 2-1 games.  Nik Khabibulin has possibly the greatest name to handwrite, its so much fun, and he will be a solid backup.

Overall: If the stars align (Not meaning Dallas), and cows develop sweet-ass jumping powers and start leaping moons, Colorado will make the playoffs.  But since none of that will happen, another high draft pick will be coming their way in June.

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Behind, but not by much.

How they will finish in their division: 6th out of 7.

Minnesota Wild:

Rising from the ashes of the 1-GM-3-Teams debacle earlier this year, Minnesota is rebuilding.  They have some good youth coming up and some grizzled vets in place.  Grizzled vets...who came up with that term?  I must marry them.

Offense: Jarome Iginla, who turned down yet another offer by the Bruins, leads the offense with his old running mate Alex Tanguay.  Brad Boyes, not to be mistaken with Brad Men, is learning to be a centreman again and will compliment the top line.  Zajac, Johansson and Cole provide a good start to a supporting cast, especially if Cole can recreate magic.  David Copperfield does it every night in Vegas, Erik, it CAN be done.

Defence:  If you could win games by how many people you could throw through the boards, Radko Gudas would be the best player in the league.  He has more hits in a game than Maroon 5 does in an hour on the radio.  Don’t question the smell from the dressing room though.  Clayton Stoner’s “oregano” is wildly popular.  Add to that, Corey Potter is also on the team.  A Stoner-Potter defensive tandem?  I think so!  Get it?  Get it?

Goaltending:  Antti Niemi will hold the fort for them.  No proven backup though.  Also, no jokes here.  

Overall: Close but no cigar.  They’ll challenge for a playoff spot, but will ultimately fall short.  Not to say that they’re not heading in the right direction, cause they are.  The youth is coming up fast, led by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hertl himself, and given two years, they will be a playoff team.  Bet on it.  If I lose, I will become the GM of the Maple Leafs...oh...wait...

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Tied.

How they will finish in their division: 5th out of 7.

Dallas Stars:

As I was writing this, the offensive talent from this roster kept dripping on the paper, so I had to start over again, like 37 times.  Yeah, I said it.  This team has talent.  Mr. 6000 Draft Picks/Year is building himself a juggernaut.  Unfortunately, all the pieces he has haven’t fit together yet.  Its like trying to complete a puzzle with only edge pieces.

Offense:  Scary.  Like my team runs back into the dressing room when they see who’s on their top two lines scary.  Then I tell them the bottom two lines, they get all confident again.  RNH, Hall, Skinner, Seguin are elite or near-elite players.  They’re young, fast and skilled.  The issue here is once you get by them, there really isn’t much else.  Handzus is a decent 4th liner...but thats really it.

Defence:  With all the sick, young offensive talent up front, you’d expect the same on the backend.  Alot of what if’s and aging talent comprise the top 6 (Kinda like my dating life).  If Keith Aulie, Brendan Smith and Torrey Krug take the next step, there should be no worry.  If not, there should be alarm bells going off in Dallas.

Goaltending:  When Tim Thomas isn’t bodychecking Henrik Sedin or taking whole years off to secretly plan his quest to become a Pokemon Master, he provides reliable goaltending for the Dallas Stars.  And he has Rick DiPietro...the man made of glass.  And now unemployed in real life.  Cute.

Overall:  Dallas’s plan is to outscore everyone.  It might work, might not.  Also, as a side note, how does Dallas have more goalie prospects than Calgary does prospects and draft picks for the upcoming draft?

How they will finish in their division: 4th out of 7.

Winnipeg Jets:

Welcome back Winnipeg!  What a fast rebuild, and without selling the farm to do it.  Balance, depth and skill in all positions, The Jets will be dangerous.

Offense:  Led down the middle by Richards, Stepan and Backes, and accented by MaxPac, Grabner and Hemsky, this will be a fun team to watch.  Strong depth throughout, so strong that I’m struggling to make a joke for this!

Defence:  Well built, balanced, now they just wait for Hamilton to teach them how to Dougie.  That was terrible, Ron, just terrible.  As the teams get better, the jokes get worse.  But if you read it backwards, they get better!  Reader beware.

Goaltending:  Aha, a weakspot!  Dubnyk will do the job, but don’t expect him to steal games.  Jason LaBarbera will do a great job warming the bench as backup.

Overall:  They’ll make the playoffs, and probably make some noise, but until Dubnyk proves himself or they improve that position, 2nd round tops.

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Way ahead.

How they will finish in their division: 3rd out of 7.

Nashville Predators:

Aaron has slimmed the minor league fat from this team and streamlined his way to a future playoff spot.  A good blend of youth and veterans, sick depth and BOBROVSKY!  Yeah, I had to.

Offense: I wish he’d share the depth...Having Chris Higgins and Patric Hornqvist on your 4th line is an impressive feat.  No superstar sniper, but a mix of consistent scorers and defensively responsible core players.

Defense:  He could ice two sets of top 6 D-men and still have them all play in this league.  The only concern is paying for them once their contracts become due.  Jackman (Not Hugh) is the dressing room leader and glue on D, and Green is the thoroughbred that runs the powerplay.

Goaltending:  BOBROVSKY!  Nuff Said.

Overall:  Will be top three in the conference.  This team has the tools to go all the way and bring a cup home.

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Dallas?  Who’s Dallas?  Oh, I see them!  Way down the standings.

How they will finish in their division: 2nd out of 7.

Chicago Blackhawks:

One of the best teams in the league on paper, Chicago will be a contender.  Superstars galore, Todd has spent time and built a near flawless team.

Offense:  Staal, Couture, Carter, Ryan, Hodgson, Eberle, Stewart, Alfredsson...all names that can and will score.  If you are reading this, they will score against your team.  There is no negotiating this.  Might was well give your starter a night off when you play Chicago.  Save his stats.

Defence:  Duncan Keith is on the 2nd Pairing.  Duncan Freaking Keith.  Thats scary.  Fort Knox has been rebuilt, and its on the Chicago blue line.

Goaltending:  Rask has developed into one of the best in the league.  He’ll steal games, and even your girlfriend.

Overall: Tops in the conference, possibly the league.  Cup Contender.  Todd!  Tell me your secrets!

How they will finish compared to Dallas: Oh, you’re not Chicago?  We probably beat you.

How they will finish in their division: 1st out of 7.

Mitchell Dronfield

good read

Stefan Division Preview
WARNING: Might be offensive.

• 0 teams Like this  11 years

Rino Di Antonio

Well done

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Dylan Wilson

HAHA, Love it!

Stefan Division Preview
WARNING: Might be offensive.

• 0 teams Like this  11 years